The Golden Essay

Linguistics test on today, and I think I killed it. But of course, one can never tell until the results come back. For instance, certain presidential votes, prime ministerial debates... most political debates. Heck, we didn't think the Big Bang theory was real until we found the Cosmic Background Radiation. And if we never found that we'd still have a Heliocentric diskworld on the back of a turtle!

Five questions, each of equal weighting, each given half an hour to finish, and I finished the first two in twenty minutes. Sometimes that's dangerous, the moment you think you've won that's when you lose. It's a trick in some martial art styles, weaker animals play dead to escape from the jaws of death at the last minute, students who you think are the dumbest in the class suddenly get grade A's (and that's not with cheating). But I'm pretty sure I did well enough here, passed the test and that's what counts.

So I'm moving on from Philosophy and onto something more concrete like World Histories. I did well enough on the old ones, handed in the final essay on Tuesday, worked so hard on it I'm surprised it didn't glow with the pure inner power of it. Perhaps the marker will be so temporarily blinded by the pure awesomness of it that it will get full marks without even needing to be read. Yes, this is the essay which we can just post in the mail to North Korea, Israel, Pakistan, and the entire Middle East, and perhaps America as a last go off. They'd be so amazed by it that they'll declare peace on the spot just to promote even more essays like it in the world.

The world will sing the praises of the bountious essay, it will go on show in The Louvre, with a ten-block line up, just to see it. Hah! But then someone will claim they wrote it, I'd dispute it, but only to get the money to live my life in a secret Bat Cave or Fox Den or whatever. They'll get a team of such high class lawyers that I won't stand a chance to win, until I hire James Spader as Alan Shore to fight on my behalf and eventually win because William Shatner as Deni Crane slept with every member of the jury.

And there's the theme again, because they'll think they've won when "Deni Crane!" rings out through the courtroom before they declare it in my favour and with damages paid to every charity in the world.

Then I'll threaten to destroy the essay unless Africa destroys all its guns and drugs, and they'll do it, just to save the essay.

And then I'll wake up.